This topic contains 18 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by Anonymous 9 years, 6 months ago.
- April 8, 2015 at 6:52 pm #3716184
Do them. Get all of them done.
When I’m in ammends, my spiritual advisors and fellow AA members ask me one thing when they see me; “Done with your ammends yet?” Bstards.
But… it feels good to get em’ done.
I agree with other experiences in here. Sometimes there’s a lot of grace. But don’t count on it. 😎 But if it’s there, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Once the ammend is done, shut up and walk away. Let them chill. Clean off your side of the street. Be brief, be brilliant, be gone.
Don’t ever bring up their part. If they bring up their part and ask for my forgiveness, I’ve always let by-gones be by-gones. If they forgive me, I figure it’s icing on the cake.
I state why I’m there and say something about doing this to stay sober, I state the harm I’ve done and am direct and specific about it (get clear on the harm beforehand!), then I ask “Do you need to tell me how this has harmed you?” or “Would you add anything here?”, then I say that I want to set right the wrong… maybe give them something I would do to set right the wrong, depends on the circumstance.
In one with an ex-girlfriend, she accused me of owing her $1200.00. I didn’t think it was fair, but agreed to pay it back, arranging the best deal. Years later, she came to me and made ammends. At the end, she reiterated that she thought we were square monitarily. I didn’t bring it up. I just told her to go well and stay in AA and stay sober. (In God’s world this is possible) The Universe probably recompensated me in some way.
But to mess up an ammend is no fun. Don’t share a trivial feeling with the person. I did this with my mom once and caused more harm. Lesson learned.
This time through the work, I made a huge mistake. I have someone I work with and hate or at least dread being around. He’s rude, petty, doesn’t clean the toilet after himself, smokes cigars, burps over the phone when talking to customers, and he’s a dork. Well, I thought since I hate him so much, I just won’t write about him and not get resentful. Two years later, we took each other’s inventory. He started it. He emailed certain people in the company all of my faults. I emailed back and did 3 times as much inventory about him, and sent it to “Staff”. That’s everybody in our company.
😎 We didn’t talk for about a week, but my boss came out to Colorado to settle the air. We eventually had a company meeting over Christmas break and the 1st agenda was he and I communicating.
I started the ammend of with this line, “Well so-n-so, you probably hate me, but…” Then we had it out and made ammends to each other. But his wife works there too, so my ammend to her was even bigger. She said that once he and I fought, I stopped saying “Hello” and “Good bye” to her and she missed that.
If there’s a way to screw these up, I’ll find it.April 27, 2015 at 1:26 pm #4471485
I am the father of two sons who have an alcoholic mom. As my ex-wife, I still have to deal with her and habitual falsehoods. She is allegedly on a 12 step AA walk stopping long enough at step 9 to say “I am making amends. Sorry about that. See ya.” She abandoned the children when they were 6 and 8 year old boys. She wrecked our home physically and stole property. She owes over $10,000 in loans for taxes and unpaid bills. $60,000 in child support goes unpaid and unrecognized. She gets a AA coin and moves on. We are left with the broken pieces and economic calamity.
Step 9 is an amusing concept to us. It’s as if she is establishing cred with her AA pals while continuing to dump on her children.
I wonder what she is telling her sponsor and AA group? I hear she is running a group.
I do not drink or do drugs, so I do not get it. I know for the grace of God, I would be an addict. So, I do not condemn at risk of being condemned. But, this step 9 just seems like some “you done well lying to yourself and others. Here’s a coin. Go to step 10.”April 27, 2015 at 5:33 pm #4471480
Wow! If I were in your shoes, I’d probably have a resentment myself.
She doesn’t seem like a beacon of spirituality just yet. That’s the perfect example of a line in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, pg 82;
“The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man (or woman, my addition) is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, ‘Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin.?”
So, if she’s still a tornado, I’d distance myself and family from her as best as possible, but, I’m no parent. I only have an opinion on that.
I don’t know how long she’s been sober, but clearing up the wreckage of our past can be like peeling an onion. Her awareness may not be all that and a bag of chips just yet.
If she stays on this path and if it takes and she truly recovers… and there’s any hope that God will do for her what she cannot do for herself, then if she’s slick enough to tear it down, she’ll be slick enough to help build it back. Or, she’ll stay sick and die someday… probably sooner than later.
But in the meantime, you can get free of your pain and resentment to her and I suggest you do JUST THAT for you and your children, not her.
Do you agree with that?
When I make ammends to someone, I say something to the effect; “I’ve done this, this, this, and this to you. Do you need to express to me how this has harmed you? What would you add that I might have ommited? What can I do to set these matters straight?”
I don’t remember using the word “sorry” in an ammend. I do, however go to the person with contrition and sorrow.
If she didn’t do this, it was a pretty lousy ammend. But regardless, you can get free of her if you want to. If you really want to, you’ll do something really strange for her. You’ll pray that she finds all the peace, happiness, joy, and yes…abundance, that you would hope to have in your own life.
You do that for her, everyday for 14 days straight… and see if a miracle doesn’t happen. Don’t do that though, if you don’t want her to get well. It’s a weird paradox. If you don’t believe in God noway nohow, do it anyway. What do ya got to lose?
In the meantime, check this out; Just bear through the 1st five minutes of it before you judge it, please.
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