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- April 28, 2015 at 10:09 pm #4471468
looks like a planApril 30, 2015 at 3:30 pm #4471471
Wanted to share this reading from Hazelden’s Today’s Gift daily email…….
Today’s thought from Hazelden is:
Be careful with amends.
Hurting someone thoughtlessly just to lift our own guilt is not a proper Step Nine. Amends are for rebuilding the burned bridges in our lives. But if amends will hurt someone, we must decide if it’s in that person’s best interest to be told now. Oftentimes it’s best left unsaid, but never denied to ourselves or to God.
Changing our behavior intentionally is one part of making amends, particularly to family members who may have heard us say “I’m sorry” far too many times. Repaying money, repairing damages, and making charitable contributions on behalf of the person we have harmed are all honest attempts to right our wrong. The point in every amends attempt is to take responsibility for what we did and express our regrets. Couple this with changed behavior, and our relationships will improve immediately.
I will not shy away from any amends I need to make today, but I’ll be careful not to hurt someone with information he or she doesn’t need to know.
You are reading from the book:
A Life of My Own by Karen Casey. Copyright 1993 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.May 1, 2015 at 4:29 pm #4471478
Either that or just do like it says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. There are fantastic directions laid out by the first 100 sober alcoholics that are just fine and I’ve even got many many of my own good and bad experiences with amends.
Just read pages 76 to 83!
Here’s more of my recent experience. Maybe some of you will find something useful in this and maybe you can share your own recent experiences too!
When I go to make amends I’m very clear on the harm I did to them before I go and I notify them before hand if possible that I need to talk with them.
I state my basic reason for being there, which is that I’m in a 12-Step or Spiritual Program and my sobriety depends on it. I tell them that I’m there to set right the wrong.
I tell them what I did to harm them and either ask them if they need or want to tell me how that’s affected them or I ask them if they have anything to add.
Then I listen to them.
Then I ask them what I can do to set right the wrong. If I owe them money, I’ve been known to fork over some cash right there and ask if I can pay some certain amount every month until it’s paid in full. That has been very effective for me.
There are times when it’s not as simple as owing money, but I may have something to offer them to set right the wrong, such as an intent to not do it again or if I gossiped to them, I’ve told them that I went back to all the people who I gossiped about them to and set it straight. Intuition and tact should be used here, so as to not just cause more harm. There can be a fine line to staying on your side of the street here. For example, to just go to someone and say “I told people you were a fat slob” would not be good. I once told someone in my AA group that I went over his head and questioned his actions to others and mistrusted him, but set it straight by going to the others and apologizing to them for putting them in that position and telling them it was my own anger that started the whole thing. That one worked well.
If they thank me for my efforts and/or forgive me, that’s wonderful. Icing on the cake.
Then I leave them and go on to the next amend.
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