could use some 9th step help | 12 Step Meetings and Anonymous Groups

could use some 9th step help

This topic contains 9 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  Anonymous 8 years, 6 months ago.

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    my oldest daughter has been out of our home since she was 13…turns 30 monday.

    i should have fought more to “make” her stay ….she was a troubled kid, goal of trying to wreck my marriage (and calling dcsf on my home to get the other 2 kids removed from the house) I was a drunk who was afraid of loosing my husband, and my other children…. fear ruled that whole situation for me…..basically i sacrificed one for the rest.
    i of course jumped further into the bottle for years, was a nervous mess from then on, waiting for the breakdown to come.

    the rest of the family has zero “use” for her (hate that terminology) and yet I still love her, (maybe not a normal unconditional mothers love) regardless of the type of individual she has become in life and is. always hoping for what ………probably will never be, the relationship i coughed up.
    i’m trying to forgive her, and i think i have partially at least…..

    but this is about me clearing my wreckage…………making amends to her…….not visa versa

    I know i have to do a 9th step with her……in order to maintain my sobriety …..I KNOW THIS to be a fact.

    and i dont even know what to say except sorry i didnt “pick” her?????
    part of the 9th step is NOT to make the other person feel worse…(and she has always accused me of NOT choosing her)

    i have spoken to my sponsor about this…….and to be honest, i just dont think she gets the “me and her” thing.

    seriously………….i need feedback, even (and especially) if its something i dont want to hear



    @din 2794147 wrote:

    I know i have to do a 9th step with her……in order to maintain my sobriety …..I KNOW THIS to be a fact.

    We do need to do this step in order to stay sober but not at someone else’s expence. I didn’t see anywhere in your post where you mentioned your relationship with your daughter today. Do you speak to her? What would you have to do in order to make contact with her? Is she even agreeable to sitting down to talk to you? If you answer these questions(and I’m sure if I took the time, I’d come with a few more)with a negative, I’d suggest you make amends to her through your higher power and call it a day. You have no right barging into her life to make yourself feel better or to satisfy some idea that if you don’t make this amend, you’ll drink. You won’t drink unless you want to drink over it. I’d think really well and do some serious praying before persuing this any further. If you can’t sit down and talk to her, write her a letter telling her how you feel and what happened….honestly, then pray and burn the letter. Talk to your sponsor some more and/or to your pastor or priest.



    This sounds like a tricky one. I would seek some serious input from trusted persons (sponsor) that have some experience with tricky amends and walking a spiritual path. And that know the intimate details of your situation.

    One thing that helps me with sorting out amends, is to know very specifically where I was wrong. Was it just, ‘not choosing her’, or are there a list of wrongs including maybe not staying in touch, selfishly placing comfort over her well being, not knowing how to be the kind of mother she needed, etc. Maybe none of that applies, maybe there is quite a bit more. When I know specifically how I’ve harmed someone, the right answers will come on how to best approach them.

    If it’s like some of my fuzzier amends, I probably have no idea of all the ways I’ve harmed another. Ways I may never even have considered. The first step for me, is to find out how I’ve harmed them. I seek contact, telling the person that I know I’ve harmed them, and I’d appreciate the opportunity to right some of those wrongs. If they are receptive, then I’m prepared to listen to them about the ways I’ve harmed them.

    At the end of the day, it’s not so much about cleaning up my wreckage as it is giving the other person an opportunity to get free of their own resentment.

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