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- December 27, 2016 at 6:16 am #3743325
hey everyone. my clean date is august 13…so i have about 4 and a half months right now. i am in the process of working my first step, but i am finding a lot of bumps in the road. i feel like my addiction seeps into just about every aspect of my life. i quit smoking cigarettes a little over a month ago, and now i just eat compulsively.
i also am really struggling with accepting other people for their defects and untreated disease. i am driving myself crazy by trying to reconcile these feelings of sheer frustration with my sister and my family. i judge people for judging, but i am constantly judging people. i can’t seem to just relax and enjoy the ride. i have been listening to a book on c.d. by eckhart tolle, which talks about not letting the mind/ego take control, and i feel peaceful while i listen to it…or while i’m at a meeting, but then my mind and ego come back full force and i am so mad at everyone else for acting out their addictions that my disease tells me that i can’t beat them and i should just join them because i am miserable like this. i’m not sure if my sponsor is right for me because she does not have many active addicts in her life. my sister is one that really frustrates me. she goes out drinking and partying many times in a week, and i know that deep down she isn’t happy with this lifestyle, but she is incredibly stubborn right now and telling me i’m jealous and i’ll relapse soon. this is in response to my toxic judgments and taunts about her going out…it’s terrible.
my boyfriend is in early recovery and struggles. i have a really hard time supporting him. my parents were both addicts. my mom is alright today…takes suboxone on a daily basis, but hasn’t been blatantly high in over a year now. my dad died from a heart attack at 45. he was a deadbeat drinker. my aunt was murdered in june. she was an addict. maybe i need therapy and this isn’t the best outlet for this. my mom said i need to pray for acceptance. my stepdad, who has been in AA for 15 years, says i need to “live and let live.” it’s just much easier said than done at this point. i seriously keep regressing bad. my step one questions come out such a mess about my powerlessness in all these situations…i just want to get over these hang ups and live in this moment and recognize what i can and cannot do.
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