This topic contains 13 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by Anonymous 7 years, 11 months ago.
- May 31, 2017 at 9:28 pm #4952182
@ohnooooo 2985784 wrote:
yet….the voice in my head says it’s still ok to drink…..I can handle it….. now that’s ******* crazy…….
Its called insanity. You will not be able to understand it or rationalize it (at least this is my experience so far). That is why it is called insanity and this sort of thinking is partly what you are up against. This needs to be remedied.
From the BB on page 37, “Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity.” Then skip down a bit, “…our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened.”
I am thirty-two also and I can relate to much of what you wrote down. I went through rehab once, got some time, and then when back out. For the past nine months I have been at recovery again and I have had my struggles. However, you are not alone in this by being thirty-two and wondering why you are doing dumb **** that we did in our teens and early 20’s.
Get some help. As my friend says, “You can’t fix a sick mind with a sick mind”. You need some help.
Please look into a proper medical detox so you don’t die. Sipping a beer is not proper detox. It is insane and potentially deadly.
Keep us posted.May 31, 2017 at 10:29 pm #4952186
It’s funny, I’m sitting here feeling awful (been here too many times sobering back up, I think I have 6 AA white chips) and all I can think of is how afraid of dying alone….. yet everything I’ve been doing the last 6 months to a year has been leading me to that exact thing I fear….May 31, 2017 at 11:09 pm #4952184
I wanted to die but was pretty scared to do it. When I started feeling not scared of doing it I had the excuse that I didn’t want to go a “loser”, I wanted my wife to get something out of the deal. I had an old life insurance policy for 10K, but it had a suicide clause. No money if my death was by my own hand. So I was contemplating ways to “slip in the tub”.
My life came down to “making it look like an accident” or going to “AA”. And I thought about it.
I went to AA, shortly after my 4 th month sober I actually slipped in the tub and held on for dear life.
My HP reminded me of my desire to die that way only a short 4 months before that. I laughed. It was a “spiritual awakening” of sorts. I was learning to live and love life again.
My motivation for getting sober was to join the Army. Delusions of going out in a blaze of glory and with people thinking I wasn’t a total waste of oxygen. A year after trying on my own, I failed, I got a DUI. I was told by some I wouldn’t be able to get a security clearance, the Civil Affairs job I was after required one. That caused despair, which in turn caused more drinking, which resulted in wanting to die.
I was 33. They kept raising the enlisment age, by 39 it was – 39. At some point it was 41. At some point it became unrealistic I was going to be able to join the Army. As we buried my Grandpop at Arlington Cemetary, I sat there holding my one year old son looking at the graves of men and women who have died in OIF and OEF.
I wept, who am I to be able to live and hold this young child and be his father ?
The answer came. I’m Tom, I’m an alcoholic, I am allowed to be this young man’s father as long as I stay sober and help another alcoholic achieve sobriety. That the best way I show a shred of gratitude to those who have served my country is to first and foremost – stay sober and help another alcoholic achieve sobriety.
If I do that, I and I have been doing my best since 2003, I am allowed to enjoy a life I don’t think I deserve. But part of getting sober is recognizing I’m no longer in the business of determining what or what I don’t deserve.
You are, as you said, “athletic, fun, happy, and nice”, you have experience and strength to share with people who will need it someday.
You’re sense of “dying” is potentially due to the fact, your old self is dying. Your old life is slipping away and right in front of you, right at your fingertips is a new one waiting, waiting for you grasp hold of it “like only the dying can” and get into action.
My prayer is that you do.
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