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- July 19, 2016 at 7:55 pm #3735041
I’ve been working on step one for a long time. Probably around six years. I had so much trouble with the words ‘powerless’ and ‘uncontrollable’. In my life those are two things I had to learn to develop later- and letting them go was incredibly difficult.
Today- I got it! I’m so happy I just had to share- sorry if it is a bit of a ramble!
I was reading Crossing The River of Denial in the BB (p328.).and
something in me broke.
I was laying on the couch, cat in my lap and I read these words: “At that moment I knew what the Big Book meant about the great obsession of every abnormal drinker being to somehow, someday control AND enjoy his drinking. On Superbowl Sunday, when I enjoyed it, I couldn’t control it and at the hockey game I controlled it, I couldn’t enjoy it. There was no more denying that I was an alcoholic”
A great fire erupted in my brain and I began to weep. That was me on that page. That was my experience with alcohol distilled down to it’s core. All the excuses, all the ‘methods’ of ‘controlling’ my drinking- it was all there.
I wept with joy, pure joy. Yes, this is what’s wrong with me and yes, it is out of my control. I cannot control my drinking and I need help. I prayed while still wailing and just saying thank you, thank you over and over.
Then I began to laugh. I felt…happy. Relieved. Pardoned. Free.
If my arms could have reached- I would have hugged the entirety of the known universe.
So I feel changed somehow. Not like a new person, exactly, more like a person who’s been pardoned from Death Row. I have a chance at life again and it humbles me to the bones.
To everyone struggling with this- it’s okay to struggle. It took me over six years to figure it out. Don’t give up, please. It’s worth it, I promise.
bB Quote.1st. EditionJuly 20, 2016 at 1:00 am #4713880
:c021: of joy for you New… im elated that you took the step in going and thanks for sharing it with those to who struggle , It gives others hope … massively big Endzy huggles gurl !! right on ….. ~ Endzy ~July 20, 2016 at 1:10 am #4713881
It sounds as though you had a very meaningful first step experience… awesome.
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