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- August 2, 2008 at 5:50 am #3705868
And oddly peaceful.
I’ve had a lot of different things going on lately. I quit my job, because it’s not really possible for me to have the kind of recovery I want and continue to work there, which means I’m currently unemployed. I’ve been unemployed before- when I was a junkie, and didn’t have bills to pay, I just bought a car that needs probably- between a few hundred and several thousand dollars worth of work, and I have to pay my rent of 575 for a tiny studio apartment Monday. Oh, I also had to tell my po that I quit my job when one of the conditions of my parole is that I either be employed or in school. My computer is broken, and will probably need about $100 worth of repairs. My twice a week counseling for- a number of issues/disorders which are not all addiction related so I won’t bother explaining here- is about $200 a week, and was covered by my health insurance at my old job. Insurance which I lose by quitting. I probably should be freaking out, and off in a haze of bp flailing and anxiety. But…
– I know this is the right thing to do. As soon as I made the decision I felt the most intense peace come over me, and it hasn’t left. I don’t have to lie to anyone about what I’m doing, I’ve learned to be honest about my struggles, and to ask for help, and I know I’m pursuing the best avenue for my overall recovery.
– I’m taking action. God gives me faith, thankfully he also gave me a savings account and people to reach out to. While I was employed, about a quarter of my paycheck went into savings, and I live really cheap. I was homeless for a long time, so just having food in my fridge, and a roof over my head is pretty awesome. I also spoke with a member of my homegroup who works for an employment agency and he gave me some good ideas about people to contact and where to start looking for a job that will pay my bills and let me continue to recover.
– I have the skills of a misspent youth to fall back on, and some of them are actually applicable to finding a job. Not the insane paranoid, scamming guys, threatening people kind of skills, but once upon a time I was a “freelance auto parts specialist,” which means I know a lot about engines and body work, and welding. Turns out if you’re not stealing from them- there are actual jobs where people will pay you to do those things legally. Who knew. Also means I can fix my car for the cost of parts, sans labor.
– If things get very bad, I have some friends and people close to me that I’ve gotten to know since getting clean, and in staying clean have managed not to **** off and/or alienate them. They all have couches which are plenty sleepable, and no matter what I don’t have to use.
– My HP (no, not my computer- it’s still in the shop) has the situation under control. As long as I stay calm, and keep trying to take the next right action… the next right action and the next right consequence keep happening.
So… Today is a good day. I’m grateful to be clean, and safe, and feeling pretty damn peaceful.August 2, 2008 at 7:26 am #4314814
Hi sct 🙂
Congrats on quitting a job that didn’t cut if; I think it’s really cool that you followed your gut instinct and values. Isn’t it weird when you make a decision that might seem downright crazy, but still makes complete sense and gives you relief?
I’ve been there a lot of times and have always found that everything starts falling into place as soon as you stop struggling and make a conscious decision that feels right for you. Experiencing that, as you are right now, seems like the best back up plan available; I don’t think there’s anything “odd” about it. You seem to be a pretty resourceful guy, but even that doesn’t even seem to matter right now cos you know you’ll be fine… just allow yourself to be fine. Jump. I’m really happy for you 🙂
Take careAugust 5, 2008 at 1:14 am #4314815
God gave you a savings account…dang, all I got was a checking account!! You must be His favorite…lol…just trying to make you smile.
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