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- September 23, 2015 at 4:31 pm #4471306
@sugerspun 2375537 wrote:
Ammends is much more than apologizing.
The book says something along the lines of “We are neither scraping nor servile.”
Ammends is repairing the harm, or at least making it clear that we are willing to do what it takes to repair. Most of the time I had to ask these people face to face what it would take to do so.
It was much more than asking for forgiveness…I had been asking for things my whole life. It was about doing.
so are you saying I’m “doing it wrong”? Most of the people on my list of amends are too far away to see them face to face, and what more can I do to repair the ‘damage’ other than apologize and promise not to treat them that way/do ‘it’ again. I am neither scraping nor servile, only expressing remorse for my behavior and how I have grown beyond such behaviors.
The asking for forgiveness, I was told, was more for me and my Higher Power than for the person being asked for forgiveness. To forgive others is to be forgiven by God for my own wrongs. I was also told that by making amends to others, I am also making amends to myself for the harm I did to myself.
I will bring up this point with my sponsor. So far she hasn’t suggested I do any differently than I have been.September 23, 2015 at 4:37 pm #4471295
I have been taught that sometimes the only amends is to be a living amends. For me that means that an apology is not necessarily the best thing. Many times an apology can be too easy which leaves the behavior still there. Changing the behavior is what counts. With my children I have to do a living amends as I spent too many years while drinking apologizing to them….today the only way I can make sure they see I am truly sorry is by changing my behaviors. It is through this that I have been able to rebuild a solid relationship with my two oldest children after drinking my way through most of their lives.
I do however believe that if one can both apologize and change the behavior that is the best thing to do.September 23, 2015 at 5:06 pm #4471299
I am not suggesting that anything is being done incorrectly, but I do go by the book.
I have travelled to make ammends, I have had to write letters, I have had to make phone calls..each one is special and needs to be treated as such. I do not have a blanket policy (if it was up to me, I would just create a generic email and blast it out to everyone on the list).
I need to know: What I am making ammends for – specifically.
Is there anything I am missing? (This is something I ask the person)
What can I do to set it right? (Also, something that I ask the person)
What I was trying to express, rather emphasize, was the “What can I do to make things right?” is much different than “I am sorry, I am commited to not doing that again”. Also, what does “direct” ammends mean?
If someone hurt me, lets say “harmed me”..and wanted to fix what they had done. Would a letter stating they were sorry and wouldn’t do it again repair what had been done? What if this person had repeatedly done some thing over and again, always apologizing but doing it again later (This was me btw – I was an “Im Sorry” machine)? Ammends is about correcting what was done wrong.
This is an experience you do not want to miss.
If what I am doing lines up with the instructions in the book, I have faith that I am “doing it right”. Though that is more of a feeling than anything else.
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