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- November 23, 2015 at 7:34 pm #3723335
How do I go about making amends for a resentment?
(or do I?)
I have a friend that I really resented due to certain beliefs she holds. I don’t believe she has any idea of my resentment towards her, as we are still friends, and a long time ago just agreed to disagree on that one certain issue.
Still, while I was drinking I used to resent her beliefs like crazy. Not sure why, but it used to REALLY bother me…Interestingly enough, those beliefs don’t bother me nearly as much any more.
Do I make amends to her for a resentment she didn’t know I held?
If so how would I go about doing this?
Thank you in advance for any advice you may have on this subject.November 24, 2015 at 3:35 pm #4567043
Amends are all about harm. We make amends for harm we have caused to others.
In inventory, after you place this person’s name in the first column: specifically what it is that you resent about this person in the second : how it affects you in the third column, you arrive at the fourth. The fourth column puts the other person out of mind completely and becomes “What has this attitude I carry caused me to do, to this person or others”.
More than likely, especially people we hold resentment against because of their belief’s – some action has been taken that requires ammends. Snubbing them, saying negative things about them behind their back…not letting ones self get to truly know this other for who they are when blocked by resentment.
I tend to follow the directions laid out in the book…..November 24, 2015 at 3:59 pm #4567046
A doing of the steps in order would seem paramount so as to bring about why you might owe an amend for the harm you’ve done if any in step 9, a realization of that harm and a willingness to make the approach in step 8, because back in step 7 you asked God to remove the shortcoming within you that was revealed in the matter, because in Step 6 you became entirely willing to remove the defect of character, because in step 5 the sharing of your inventory you saw that the way you viewed her in the 2nd column and the way you viewed yourself playing God in the 3rd column and your views about the role God plays in both of your lives was a lie to begin with, because in the 3rd step, you made a decision to take responsibility to for your life as God’s child, agent, employee, because in step 2 you opened up the door to seek a new experience of God and/or became willing to operate on the belief that God is everything, because in step 1 you saw what your life is based on self and your own power and that in that state you will drink booze again and die/go insane/get locked up.
Something like that. So, if you can look at that and find the harm you’ve done… it may be something as simple as you denying God for yourself and for her and like sugErspun said, you snubbed her or something… then yes, you own her an amend.
But I would approach the amend such that I don’t cause further harm or tell her you think she did anything wrong if she didn’t do anything wrong.
Here’s a basic amend I would make or use as a starting point.
“I am setting out to repair the damage that I’ve caused as this is what I need to do to stay sober. I’ve harmed you and this is what I’ve done to cause you harm… What can I do to set this right? I will do this and that and/or I will intend this or that in the future and I wish you well.” Or you may ask something like “Is there anything you would add to this?” or “Would you like to tell me how this has affected you?” But some of those need to be done with great caution. It can be so easy to be misunderstood or to cause further harm in an amend.
I like the technique described in the saying, “Be brief, be brilliant, be gone.”
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