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  • #3729224

    Anonymous

    Hello –
    I’m 32 and have been using something since I was 18. I’ve had breif stints with being clean, stopped using one drug, just to end up on another.

    I know I have an addictive personality, oh and I can’t spell either, so if it’s not drugs, it’s shopping, reading a book a day, eating, I am an addict.

    But here I am again. I say that like the addict part of me went of vacation or something just because I wasn’t using drugs. Instead I drink a gallon of red diamond sweet tea a day. It’s crazy really, I know when I’m faced with the choice to do the drug, meth this time, that it’s not going to be fun, I know that I am going to feel terrible about my self almost immediatly, and physically with in about 8 hours. I know that the “hangover” from it will last about three days for me, before I feel back up to snuff again. I even think about these things as I am doing it, but I still do it. I know it’s the addict in me, and that will power isn’t enough, but still it is crazy! I also know that I need to stop the cycle I’ve fallen back into and go back to meetings, I need to do 90 meetings in 90 days, and I am going tomorrow night.

    Anyway, my other problem – my husband has always been what I call a weekend warrior. He has done meth off and on throughout our 10 years, he will go out with buddies and come home high, like I don’t know or something. For some reason, probably a crazy one again, I’ve always – I don’t know the right words – I guess justified it. He has never been like me, I’ve seen him say no to the meth for months, then go out on a Sat. afternoon, come home high, and still function, kind of – he has never missed work, or spent money we didn’t have on it,. I’ve always thought he is just someone who can do it every now and then, just like a social drinker, and he either doesn’t have the addictive personality, or he is a stronger person than me, or any other addict I’ve ever known. In the past two months though, his once every couple of months with the guys weekend warrior routine has turned into every weekend, and we are planning it – you know talking Friday morning before work, about getting some for Friday night. So this is the problem. Regardless of him, and what his situation is, I know mine is a problem. I can’t do it at all – I am an addict, and I will never be able to do anything – at all, I don’t have controll, no matter how many times I lie to myself Saturday night when I finaly get to sleep. I have been telling my self that it’s ok, because he’s controlling it, but I know – I know. Until two months ago I had been clean since thanksgiving of 09 – I guess I also need to open my eyes to the fact the he is an addict? I have to go back to meetings. For some reason I’m nervous about going back. I know that is crazy to, I know no one will judge me, but still, It’s starting all over again. I guess I just thought I was in the clear, but here I am again. And what the heck with my husband? He doesn’t think he has a problem, he tells me any time I bring it up he can quit any time he wants to, he doesn’t have to have it, he can watch people do drugs around him and it not bother him. I say whatever to that one, but unless he admits that he is or could be an addict and wants to get help I can’t force him. So there’s my situation in a cliff notes version. Any advice? Also – I hope none of this came across as I don’t know, like I already know everything I don’t I just know it’s time to own up to the road I’m back on, and quit lying to myself. I just don’t know about my husband, or maybe I don’t want to know. – Help! I just want him to say yes dear your right I do have a problem and I want help, and I will go with you to meetings, but I sound high just typing that sentence. What if it comes down to changing your people places and things, Would he quit if he was going to loose me over it. – It makes me feel like he’s not happy with us just being home, sober, family oriented, like normal day to day life with me isn’t what makes him happy. And he’s never understood that I just can’t quit cold turkey on my own. He’s never gotten that part of me. Sorry – I’m rambeling – thanks for listening. And if you read all of this – thanks again!



    #4640760

    wronharvey
    Member

    Whatever your husband decides to do is up to him. You have admitted that you have a problem and need help. The next step is to get to a meeting like what you already said. Also, coming here and seeking help is a huge step in the right direction. I know about addictive personality etc. I am an addict that has tried different things–some of which I became addicted to (like meth) and others I could take or leave alone. I have been clean from meth since October 2007. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about using on occasion, but I certainly can’t just use for one day or for even one weekend. Plus the end result–if I fast forward to where it will take me isn’t a place I want to visit again. There is hope. You don’t have to use. We do recover.



    #4640762

    Anonymous

    Hi…this is my first reply to a post, I just joined, I was looking for NA’s first step questions from the work book online, and fell upon your email. I believe that my HP directs me in all ways of my life, and nothing is by chance…so I wanted to share something with you. First, I have been blessed to not have someone stick Meth under my nose, or else I would have tried it. Please don’t stop reading now just because I haven’t done this particular drug – I have done plenty more in my life – I am 48 years old. I have been in recovery for 3 1/2 years, but recently relapsed by taking too many pills causing me to sleep through several phone calls from my family, fiance and mechanic…lol…all in one night, causing everyone to worry, and everyone to find out that something wasn’t right. OK. This is not about me, just wanted to “introduce” myself. I just wanted to say that I know recovery is hard, I practice it everyday. I have always liked hearing certain things several times since I entered into recovery. Some of these are: “You don’t have to use, no matter what” “You aren’t alone anymore” “God forgave you a long time ago, so if you haven’t forgiven yourself, it is almost like saying that you are better or above your HP – so forgive yourself first”. There are “good” and “bad” people in recovery just like in the outside world, you will learn who to hang out with, who to confide in. You don’t have to live in Hell on earth. Recovery is work, but worth it. Is it easy…and is there a soft, easy way? No. But self worth, self respect is worth it. Soon, you will learn to like yourself again, and then love yourself, realizing that you are a child of your HP, and He loves you. You have the “gift” of addiction, meaning that you finally know why you maybe have never felt like you fit in or had a hole that had to be filled with something to make you feel better about yourself. The gift is also that by just being you and sharing at meetings, you are sharing the gift of addiction/recovery with others who are just like you. The worst part for me was the feeling of worthlessness and isolation – afraid of the world and what it might do to me. I am guessing that you will need some meds to help you feel better to get off the meth until you can stand on your own (with the group – a “we” program) And, honestly, it isn’t really even on your own…learn to lean on your HP…pray, that is what He wants you to do – He is just waiting for you to ask Him – He is right there, waiting for you to ask for help and to give your troubles over to Him. I struggle with anxiety and depression and am on meds for it, but I am soooo much better even with my recent short relapse than when I was at my bottom. I know I am not hitting the areas that you were directly talking about, the problem with your husband’s use (because when I sponsor, I can never claim to be a counselor – I don’t have a license, and have not experienced the same exact problem as that) – but I hope you don’t mind me responding to your post. It is what my HP was telling me to do this morning – maybe it was to help me, too. I will pray for you, I am not a God-freak, and it wasn’t until recovery that I have had a relationship with my HP…it was either my HP that brought me to NA or NA brought me to my HP…haven’t figured that one out yet…maybe it was both. Please email me if you want to, I would love to talk to you. My name is Bonnie and my user name is my email address with hotmail.com after it – or on here…like I said, this is my first time on here. I will love you – until you can love yourself. For real. Take care, and remember it is one hour at a time, then one day at a time, etc. Baby steps – don’t look too far into the future. You are worth taking action on your life – please, if you only pick up one thing that I said, it was worth it for me.:ghug3



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