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    Thank you both so much for those responses. That’s the kind of dialogue im hoping to have with a sponsor once I find one.
    Daytrader: I never thought about it that way (the unmanageable part being the constant back and forth in my head). It is like a street fight. When I am sober for any length of time, and my head is clear, my thoughts are all over the place. When I was a kid, before I started drinking, I was a type-A overachiever perfectionist, always putting tremendous amounts of pressure on myself to succeed at everything. That, along with some major family problems (my mom had a nervous breakdown and was committed when I was 15) is what initially got me drinking- to escape, to numb, to calm down. For years I was able to “do it all” AND drink, but now 20 years later I am in a cycle of slacking off (but still somewhat successful)

    Keithj: I felt that desperation on Sunday. I’ve felt that desperation plenty of times before but have always returned to drinking after a week or 2. Do you have any suggestions for keeping that desperation fresh so it doesn’t fade? Or is that not the way to think about it?
    Today is day 5 and physically I feel GREAT, I’m doing more at work than in a normal week, and getting more things done in general. But the fight still goes on in my head. A part of me LIKES the way alcohol makes me slow down and not be 100% on top of my game all the time.
    Which brings me back to being powerless over alcohol- I can’t trust myself not to drink the first one, so I have to act on that, consciously decide there is no way I will allow myself to talk myself into that first drink. And not react to outside stimuli that normally let me say, oh screw it, let’s just drink.
    My life being unmanageable is a combination of the battle in my head combined with the problems I’ve created for myself because of my drinking. The only way out is to not drink, and each day work a little bit on both aspects- managing my thoughts, and taking responsibility for my actions and cleaning up my mess. There is no room for any alcohol in this new equation. I think I’m getting somewhere with step one?



    Also, I am about halfway through reading the AA book, but I think tonight I will go back to the beginning and reread the doctors part and the first couple of chapters to keep myself focused on what I need to be doing TODAY.



    March7 – it appears you’re taking an active approach in the first steps of recovery. This is good, very good. For me unmanagable was the fact that I had lost my “self”. Didn’t lose anything else, but then again losing yourself is pretty much losing everything. The rest was sure to follow.

    One thing I’d like to share is the burst of energy although feels good in the begining will soon fade as you “work” in the next steps of sobriety. This is good to know before hand so you don’t see it as a set back. This WILL pass. You’re about to embark on a the roller coaster ride of a lifetime. Go figure…. no lines.

    Remember…take it slow, day by day. Take a breath, take a bath, take a walk. Do not take a drink. Hard work and perseverance will bring happiness and blessings you could never have imagined. But you HAVE to do the WORK.

    “Life by the mile is a trial; by the inch it’s a cinch.” Don’t expect everything too fast!

    Keep up the good work and I will keep you in my prayers amongst so many others. We are always here for you. Use this forum as a crutch and use it often. Love to you xoxoxo

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