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- December 15, 2016 at 11:57 am #4817453
@LookingFwd 2797162 wrote:
I want you to know I am sorry for any problems this led to for you, personally or professionally.” Click. Whew!
LF, I’d ask you to consider speaking to your sponsor about this “method.” While saying “I’m sorry” takes a load off our shoulders, saying sorry is not the same as making amends. Making amends are about setting things right…asking them what you can do to balance the ledger.
Saying “I’m sorry” makes you feel good (actually, getting WILLING to make the amend should make you feel good and give you some freedom) but making the amend should make THEM feel good.
I’ve been taught and would agree that the only way to end an amend is with “What can I do to set things straight…..to pay you back for the damage I’ve done…..to even things out?”December 15, 2016 at 6:42 pm #4817448
what day trader just said….its no good going to somebody that you stole money from and saying “im real sorry about that,i wont do it again” the person is going to want to know where their money is right?
i was taught right from the get go…that if i had hurt somebody in person then i do the amend in person,face to face.suit up and show up.a quick phone call and “click” would not fit the bill….we are trying to clear the wreckage of our past and the path gets narrower as we go along i believe,this is certainly my experience so far.if we are going to make amends then why do it half a$$ed and have to go back and do it again?
“half measures availed us nothing”December 15, 2016 at 6:58 pm #4817454
Here are the basic rules I follow with every amends- employer/ex/friend whatever. I’m not the smartest apple in the bunch so I need to keep things simple. These work well for me:
1- Show up. No letters, no phone calls. I didn’t harm them from a phone call.
2- Detail what I did and leave them OUT of it. “I wasn’t so good” is a bull-hocky thing to say and we all know it. I have to be honest- this is my LIFE we’re talking about here. “I lied to you about when I would be at work because I was selfish and didn’t think of you” is better.
3- Ask for a pardon and NEVER say sorry. I had that word already and I used it up- sorry means nothing for me now. “I hope you can pardon me” works well for me.
4- “What can I do to make this right?” I never gave those I hurt a chance to have a voice before. I was selfish and self-centered. I don’t want to be like that anymore- we CAN’T be- so I give them something we never did before- a choice. They get to name the terms from here on out.
5- Shut up while they talk then DO what they ask of me. I don’t get to say anything- nothing. Just listen and then DO. I don’t care if they want me to dress up like a banana and sing Dixie- if that’s what it takes to erase the feelings of shame and guilt with them- I’ll go tune up my banjo right now.
Another thing I had to get over was my fear. Fear that they would harm me, or this would be painful to an extreme. Sometimes it hurts- but I am under a new employer now and are not left to fend for ourselves. If I get knocked in the ego- then I damn well needed to be. 😀
These ‘rules’ help me a lot when making amends. Hope they can help you too.
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