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- December 17, 2016 at 2:32 pm #4817449
great post bballdad.
one of my sponsors other sponsees went to new zealand to make amends…she live here in scotland.
i went to my daughters old primary school,400 miles away from where i live (it in my hometown so i got to visit family too!)
i went to give them some sponsored walk money back i stole about 10 years ago.
i could have sent a letter but then what happened wouldnt have happened…
i couldnt get to see the headmistress…she was too busy,so the school secretary asked if she could help.as it happened she has been at the school 17 years and remembered my daughter for whom i was collecting the money.
i explained to here why i was there and gave her £50.
it absolutely made her day..she too as the above post mentioned said that she didnt see this kind of thing happening harldy ever.
the school is right between 2 rough housing estates and there is alot of problmes in this area.
she was delighted that someone had made it and was doing their best to get on in life.
i wouldnt want to miss these kind of experiences at all..if my work is solid so far then i am starting to outgrow old behaviours…things like hiding and not facing.
i am walking in Gods presence.December 17, 2016 at 2:34 pm #4817442
Wow, “B,” that’s an awesome letter!
Fist off, for me, direct, face-to-face, look-’em-in-the-eye has always been best whenever possible, especially in light of the fact that it is the most honest and true-to-the-principles way to go. And “whenever possible” does not mean “whenever easiest and most comfortable and most convenient for me.”
I am working to have a life that is “directed by God” rather than “driven by fear,” right? So, I always pray to be and strive to be courageous in doing this work. There is nothing courageous about being indirect and impersonal, if I can possibly be direct and personal without causing additional harm to them or others. (…and, btw, my feeling uncomfortable does not constitute additional harm to anyone!)
If you can write a letter or make a phone call, then you can use that letter or that phone call to arrange a F2F meeting in a more private venue, yes????
Secondly, I need to make sure that I cover all of the ways in which I harmed the other person, which means that I also need to find out from them if there are ways that I might have harmed them that I am unaware of or have conveniently over-looked…which in-turn means I have to have the ovaries to ask them that question.
Finally, Step 9 is not about “apologizing” or just saying “sorry;” Step 9 is about “AMENDING.” “To amend” something means “to make it right” or “to correct” it, so I also need to find out from them if there is anything that I can do to “make it right.”
And then, assuming that they think of something and that that something is fair and reasonable (according to my sponsor), I have to be willing to do it in the spirit of love and reconciliation. (I added the “fair and reasonable and discuss-it-with-sponsor” part, because sometimes we do encounter people who try to take advantage of us in this process… For example, I recently had a sponsee who made an amend to an ex who told her that she could make it right by sleeping with him! Nice try, bud, but not on my watch!)
Personally, I like to think of the principle behind the 9th Step as being “atonement,” so, ultimately, it’s about me getting back into right-relationship (at-one-ment) with God. That’s absolutely the most important thing for me in/through this work, so I really don’t want to be skimping on it or looking for any easier, softer ways.
Yesterday, someone was posting links in this forum to a series of BB study talks by Joe H. and Mark H. I’ve listened to several of theirs (not the one he’s posting, I don’t think) and they are awesome and super-hardcore when it comes to 4,5,8 & 9. (Actually, they’re hardcore about all the Steps, but they tend to spend a lot of time on these 4.) It might help you get more fired-up about this to listen to them.
Good luck and God bless — freya
P.S. Just FYI as added incentive to any of you ladies out there: Joe H has the absolutely most sexy voice of any AA speaker I’ve ever heard!!!!!!January 25, 2017 at 3:20 pm #4817452
@freya 2799185 wrote:
P.S. Just FYI as added incentive to any of you ladies out there: Joe H has the absolutely most sexy voice of any AA speaker I’ve ever heard!!!!!!
lol! There is a guy in my NA group that has this really sexy speaking voice– he’s a songwriter too, I think– I just love listening to him talk!
As far as step 9 goes, this is where I am coming to now. I want to make direct amends, face to face, wherever possible, and for me, this means some possible travel. I am getting a prius soon, so I can drive to make many amends (except the ones I owe in Hawaii–those might have to be made by phone or letter! Travel to Hawaii is not cheap.) I worry about making financial amends because I do not have a job myself (my husband works) and I don’t feel right about making financial amends with money I didn’t earn, so I will likely have to get a job!
I agree with those who have said making amends means making CHANGES. When we amend the Constitution, we don’t say “I’m sorry” to it, we CHANGE it! We CHANGE our behavior, and try our best to make things right. This will not befun for me. I owe around 2 grand in financial amends. I also had some behaviors that I can only imagine amending will not be pleasant. But hey, I have God to put my trust in– I know I will be alright!
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