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Hi everyone, I have a somewhat different issue than I’ve seen posted here before and would like some advice if you would.
I just started 4th step after 9 months sober (took a while to select a sponsor). So yesterday I looked at the 4th step worksheets and just about lost it. Sex inventory? WHAT? “No, no, HELL no!”.
Here’s the thing: I’m bisexual and an in an open relationship, but I feel that is VERY private and no one else has the right to judge me (as long as I’m not hurting anyone, obviously). Both my partner and I share everything (yes, EVERYTHING!) about this aspect of our lives with each other, and that includes me. We are absolutely conscientious about who we’ve invited into our sex life, and can’t stand the thought of using anyone sexually without their full willingness and consent and a reasonable assurance the person has the capacity to make such decisions for themselves. We talked long and hard about all of this before, during and after we started this phase or our relationship, and regardless of what others may think, it works for us. So what would be the point disclosing all this to my sponsor, other than making me feel unnecessarily violated (not to mention adding a new resentment)? I know, folks here will probably say I should trust my sponsor and she’s seen it all (24 years sober); and I absolutely agree. I just don’t think this aspect of my life has anything to do with my drinking and therefore I will be unnecessarily “outing” myself as to my sexual preferences, which I realize are not mainstream, but if there is no harm to anyone (including my partner of 11 years), is this absolutely necessary?
PS- we live in a VERY small town, about an hour from a major metro area, and it’s stunning how fast word gets around here, even within AA amongst well-meaning members. I am not ashamed of who I am sexually (obviously my Higher Power made me this way), but I hate the thought of having to explain it to others who simply won’t understand anyway.
Final thought: Disclosing all this would also be disclosing my partner’s sex life too, which would be unfair to him, since he is not alcoholic and not in the program.
AnonymousWhat u shared and explained
seems good enough for me.I dont think anyone should
need to air out their laundry
in public.There is a line we can draw
in the sand to know when to
share things in order not to
hurt or harm someone else.When we get sober or clean
we hear about being completely
honest in all our affairs.So we hurry up to share all
that we did never mind if it
hurts or harms someone else
just cause we want to recieve
those promises stated in our BB.Dont rush.
This may not be the only time
u do the steps. We work the
steps or incorporate the steps
in our everyday lives everyday.Working the steps to the best
of our abiility.W.H.O willingness, honesty
open-mindednessH.O.W. honesty, open-mindedness
willingnessO.W.H open-mindedness, willingness
honestyW.O. H. willingness, openmindedness
honestySometimes HONESTY is the last
one we get in order to get that
FREEDOM they speak about in
recovery.Try to be as honest as u can
in all ur affairs.
Anonymousthe point of the 4th step isn’t about someone judging your sex life. The BB is pretty specific that we are looking at where we had been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate, whom we hurt, did we unjustifiably arouse suspician and bitterness…where were we at fault.
So..if you have an open relationship with your partner and everything is as you say, then i wouldn’t expect that relationship to end up on the 4th step. If at times your behavior ahs been the above things, it would show up on your inventory.
I don’t think it is necesssary to name names or discuss gender with your sponsor, although it would make the inventory a little stilted for me…
If your sponsor tends to to tell you what is right and what is wrong…is playing moral judge of your life…find a new one.
My first sponsor told me “I don’t care if you fk goats if you think fking goats is ok….thats it pure and plain.
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