Sex inventory-right to privacy–how much is too much? | 12 Step Meetings and Anonymous Groups - Part 9

Sex inventory-right to privacy–how much is too much?

AA NA CA 12 Step Meetings & Anonymous Support Groups Forums Alcoholism Information Alcoholism-12 Step Support Step Study Step 4 Sex inventory-right to privacy–how much is too much?

This topic contains 24 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  UniversesChild 8 years, 2 months ago.

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    @universeschild 2617707 wrote:

    Hi everyone, I have a somewhat different issue than I’ve seen posted here before and would like some advice if you would.

    I just started 4th step after 9 months sober (took a while to select a sponsor). So yesterday I looked at the 4th step worksheets and just about lost it. Sex inventory? WHAT? “No, no, HELL no!”.

    Here’s the thing: I’m bisexual and an in an open relationship, but I feel that is VERY private and no one else has the right to judge me (as long as I’m not hurting anyone, obviously). Both my partner and I share everything (yes, EVERYTHING!) about this aspect of our lives with each other, and that includes me. We are absolutely conscientious about who we’ve invited into our sex life, and can’t stand the thought of using anyone sexually without their full willingness and consent and a reasonable assurance the person has the capacity to make such decisions for themselves. We talked long and hard about all of this before, during and after we started this phase or our relationship, and regardless of what others may think, it works for us. So what would be the point disclosing all this to my sponsor, other than making me feel unnecessarily violated (not to mention adding a new resentment)? I know, folks here will probably say I should trust my sponsor and she’s seen it all (24 years sober); and I absolutely agree. I just don’t think this aspect of my life has anything to do with my drinking and therefore I will be unnecessarily “outing” myself as to my sexual preferences, which I realize are not mainstream, but if there is no harm to anyone (including my partner of 11 years), is this absolutely necessary?

    PS- we live in a VERY small town, about an hour from a major metro area, and it’s stunning how fast word gets around here, even within AA amongst well-meaning members. I am not ashamed of who I am sexually (obviously my Higher Power made me this way), but I hate the thought of having to explain it to others who simply won’t understand anyway.

    Final thought: Disclosing all this would also be disclosing my partner’s sex life too, which would be unfair to him, since he is not alcoholic and not in the program.

    Hi UC,

    When doing any of the Steps we need to take them one at time and focus on the step we are working on, not be distracted by those we have to do later on.

    Step 4 says “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”

    It does not say “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves excluding everything we do not wish to share with someone else.”

    So I would say that you absolutely should write down everything in Step 4, as per the instructions in the BB.

    Whether you share everything on that inventory with your sponsor, or someone else (see p74), or keep it to yourself, is really a decision for when you get to Step 5.

    I do know that some people have held back inventory sheets which they were reluctant to share but found the Step 5 process illuminating, that they have gone on to reveal everything and be glad that they did.

    The problem with us alcoholics is that we are not very good at seeing the truth of things in our heads, that’s why we put it on paper. We don’t always see the truth when it is on paper, that’s when it helps for someone else to look at our inventory.

    Good luck. Just wanted to add that I know someone who has done the inventory by that long list of questions that you are talking about. They are now starting again from Step 1 with another sponsor who is working straight out of the BB.



    It’s trust. Do I really trust another person, my sponsor. Do I give of myself to GOD, the program, and my sponsor enough to discuss, Sex. That’s a tall order. I’m 10 weeks sober, on my 4th step and I just figured I’d gloss over this. Skip it. My sponsor doesn’t want or need to know about my trials in homosexuality, or my perversions, etc. BUT…am I being honest. Am I giving myself to recovery. My sponsor isn’t some guy who would tell, judge maybe, but I don’t care. Besides, I’ll kill him if he tells anybody. 🙂

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