Should I leave my recovering Oxy Addict boyfriend? If not, how can I help? | 12 Step Meetings and Anonymous Groups - Part 2

Should I leave my recovering Oxy Addict boyfriend? If not, how can I help?

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    Hi Ash. My husbands drug of choice is also oxy. We have been married 2 years and were also high school sweethearts. I love him with all my heart, BUT sharing your life with an addict is tough stuff.

    I recommend that you go to your local library and check out every book they have on addiction. You also might want to go to nar anon meetings.

    Get as much info as you can. One warning- if you don’t love him & want to marry him- run full speed away from him. Because if you stay with him- you have to accept the fact that he’s an addict (forever). And I’m just speaking from experience- most likely he’s doing a lot more drugs than he admits. Pills have their way of turning good honest men into liars. (Sorry just telling you the truth.)

    Hang in there! Make the best decision for you and your kid.




    Hi Ashley,
    My advice would be to talk to him honestly about his disease/problem and how it is affecting you and your relationship with him. Ask him if he has thought about going to treatment, to detox (not sure how bad his addiction is), and/or going to NA meetings. I think generally, addicts are closedminded about this, it is part of the disease, but if you lay it out on the line for him – that it would have to be a choice that he makes, you or the drugs, and if he chooses to try recovery, just to agree to try it, it is a start, and that is a good sign. There is a good chance that he may pick the drugs over you, but TRY not to take it personally, it is his disease talking, and right now, his drugs are his best friend (they were mine anyway, and my “bottom” was oxy after back surgery – of course, I abused and was an addict before with alchohol and other drugs, but once I tried that one, it was over for me). For me, when off the oxy, after the withdrawals, I got very depressed because I didn’t know what to DO with myself – my drugs were what I did as soon as I got up, obsessed about doing more throughout the day and where I was going to get more and it felt like I was lost, my best friend had left me, I had nothing to live for. There are withdrawals to be ready for if you and he stay together, you can be there for him through this, or better yet, if he turns into a jerk while high, like you said, chances are that when he is dope sick he will be worse, so a detox center might be a better idea. I would recommend an NA meeting as soon as possible, it will be suggested at the meeting that he immediately gets a sponsor, and buys a basic text (at the least – then It Works How & Why, Just for Today meditation book and the NA Workbook – so that he can start working the 12 steps of recovery with his sponsor) Sorry, I think I am jumping way ahead – saying more than what I had planned – the first step is the honest talk between you two. If that can’t be accomplished – I would leave him. This could be very good, actually, he may see what he had and doesn’t – which he chose – the drug over you…and that he needs to surrender to the fact that he is an addict, which is a fatal disease IF not treated – but there IS help out there now – a lot of it. Then there is the chance that once he enters into recovery, which IS work, but not too difficult for anyone…there is a chance that you guys can get your relationsip back. If he takes the route you want him to, be prepared for him having to take time out (more in the beginning) to go to meetings and step group with his sponsor. Drugs ruin relationships. Recovery can fix them – sometimes. If you love him – don’t enable him by sticking around if he won’t help himself. I would recommend YOU going to alanon – I am not sure what the one is called that goes along with NA – for the loved ones of an addict…but use the internet, I am sure you can find out. Talking to people and hearing there stories at meetings would be so helpful for you I think, and make you feel better – realizing that this has nothing to do with you – a common thought for the partners of addicts. Sorry if this reply is jumbled, I am at work and have so many thoughts – they just are kind of flowing and not in a great order. Please contact me if you want to – I will pray for you, Ash…you seem to be a loving person who really cares what happens to your boyfriend – but you also seem very smart to be asking for help because you KNOW there is a problem – just not sure how to handle it. Take care…Bonnie



    First of all, you spent a considerable amount of time describing your problem, which is your toxic relationship with a drug addict. What about you? Are you getting your needs met? Or are you expending most of your energy trying to have a stable mature relationship with a crazy person? Do you feel at times as though you are merely the second most important drug in his life?

    I believe you’re certainly correct in saying that YOUR 3 YEAR OLD CHILD NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED FROM EXPOSURE TO A DRUG ADDICT. Does your boyfriend buy his drugs legally? I didn’t think so. So he routinely engages in criminal activity. Do you honestly think it safe or in anyway appropriate to allow a criminal and a drug addict access to an innocent child? If you think there is any other way to look at your boyfriend, think again. Think about the life he has already forced you to live!

    This much is certain: as long as he has you as an emotional lifeline he’ll use you; not to get well, but to sustain the illusion of order in his drug addled life. (I’m not really that bad, I still have a girlfriend…etc.) And I’m not saying anything you don’t already know; you’ve known for certain, and for quite a while now, deep down inside, that what you have together isn’t healthy, or you wouldn’t be asking for help.

    You need to take care of your child and yourself, and leave him to get the help he needs. It’s the best thing you can do for him and you. That’s about the only way you can help him. My suggestion would be to detach, completely, with love.

    Make an appointment with a good therapist, and/or get yourself into a Nar-anon or Al-anon support group and work the steps, and let him find his way further down the ladder or up and out into the light. That part of the journey is his alone. Drug addiction is a tsunami that will sweep over you and your kid in ways you can’t imagine, and no one can help you if you decide to stick around. It’s time to look for higher ground.

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