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- January 25, 2017 at 9:14 pm #3745164
I am really confused. I am a “high bottom drunk”–I still have my family and my job, but my drinking was too regular (2-3 glasses of wine a night), and every month or so I would completely overdo it and black out, then spend days crippled with shame and remorse. The last time I blacked out I was with my kids, and I have decided I am done. My father and Mother-in-law are late-stage alcoholics, and I know where this road goes. I want to stop now, before the inevitable hell begins.
I have been going to AA and have a sponsor. I have been sober for 35 days–it’s been fairly easy for me.
I am a control freak and doing my best to accept God’s will and try not to control everything.
Today (after a coffee to talk about Step 4) my sponsor told me to go to a meeting with her. I canceled my plans and went. I spoke at the meeting, saying that it was hard for me to rely on God’s will–hard not to try to control everything.
My sponsor took me outside and said she thought I hadn’t really gotten to step one. She told me she didn’t think I believed I was an alcoholic.
I am not as physically dependent as some…many in my AA group have lost everything, and I still have so much that is great in my life. I want to stop now, so that I will never lost everything. I pray to God to help me, and he has…I want to continue to be sober.
I am upset and angry. Do I have to drink for the 2-3 years it will take me to be a full-blown alcoholic to be welcome in AA? I was being honest with her that I felt I was in the early stages, but that I very much believed I was an alcoholic.
Any wisdom would be much appreciated. Thank you.January 25, 2017 at 9:28 pm #4853056
I too was what many considered a high bottom drunk.
I didn’t lose all the material things, the family, the job, etc…
I lost my soul, my self-respect, I lost myself.
How alcohol affects one is what can be considered the definition of wether or not your an alcoholic.
I too was a control freak, I couldn’t let go of my will.
I finally was able to, and this time around I have been sober over a year. This time is different then when I was sober before and slipped. I have totally surrendered. I don’t have to dissect step one, I accept it totally and completely.
Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today 🙂January 25, 2017 at 9:37 pm #4853052
Can I ask what you did with your sponsor for Step 1? It should be clear to someone, when they have gone through the Dr.’s Opinion and first 3 chapters, whether or not they are described in those pages.
It doesn’t get at the heart level hopelessness of the condition, but the simplest definition is on page 44. ‘If when you honestly want to, you find you can not quit entirely, or if, when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, then you are probably alcoholic.’
So, what happens when you drink? Do you have a physical craving for more? When I drank, I did not respond like other people. They would start tapering off because they felt a little out of control. I would start ramping up because I felt more in control. I felt like things made sense, I was inspired, it was get up go time, keep ’em coming, screw my obligations, whoooohoooo, giddy up! I would intend to have one drink to calm down, but before I knew it, I’m trashed and have missed something important. I didn’t intend to get trashed, but there I was. Just one more, just one more. I know that feeling I’m chasing is just around the corner. Probably one more drink away.
If that’s me, I’m an alkie. Physical craving. Which is not a problem if I never drink, right? But then that other part kicks in, the mental obsession. I know what happens if I pick up that drink. But I can’t keep from picking it up. I can’t quit entirely. Knowing what I know about myself, the stupidest thing I could ever do is pick up a drink. But there I would be, picking up that drink, telling myself that somehow, some way, it would be different. The jaywalker story in Ch. 3 is all about this.
All quotes are from the Alcoholics Anonymous.1st Edition
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