staring at amends list | 12 Step Meetings and Anonymous Groups

staring at amends list

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    I got my amends list, all done the way as sponsor suggested. All BB with some inprovisation, listening to some speakers, whatever God directs my thinking, I try to listen, and follow through. Not easy.

    I simply stare at it, ( the amends list) eeny meeny minee moe, wishing it could blow away.
    But it won’t. It stares back at me.
    nia nia, I hear it whisper, let’s go play to make amends today!

    From that list I have made 3 amends.
    They didn’t care, now I’m sober- nothing more to say?

    But I felt a sense of ease, they were looking for the old me, trying to say things that were from the past. Incredible expirience.

    I did not budge, I actually froze, said goodbye turned and went on my way, smiling, happy, sober and free.
    The other hung up the fone, and the 3rd person I’m no longer expecting a reply from an amend letter sent, except it was registered-paid to confirm signature from reciever. Recieved. Done.

    I’ll stare at the remaining and increasing list again another day, wishing it will burn away.

    So I simply get on with it, Step 10-11-12 and stare. Do step meetings,BB study, service and practice step 4 to 9 all over again, meetings, living, sober, staring at my increasing amends list.
    Some amends are done in silence, let sleeping dogs lie.



    Step 8 is more than just creating a list of amends that need to be made.

    It also says something about becoming willing to do so.

    Here is what I do, you may find it helpful.

    Each name is on an index card, the specific harm I have written down as having caused is on the back.

    I look at it and ask if I am willing to make that amend. If I am, I put a ” + ” next to the name. If not I put a ” – ” next to it and move on to the next card. I make direct amends for those with a ” + ” and I pray on those with a ” – “. Something like “I trust that when the time is right to make this amend, I will know. Please give me the power to carry out this very important task when that time comes.”

    I look at the card, and change the ” – ” to a ” + “, when I feel I am willing and eager to go out and make that amend.

    Simple stuff. Try not to get hung up on the timing. When the time is right, the time is right and never before.



    Step 8 is more than just creating a list of amends that need to be made.

    It also says something about becoming willing to do so.

    Yep, done and still adding to Step 8. It’s the action, Step 9, I just stare at the list.

    Case scenario the other day.
    I was at a gas station, started to walk into cashier to pay for fuel, and who is walking out? Family member. Nothing was said, they just kep walking, not a “hello” or a wave, nothing, yet they saw me. So unnatural this happens with a blood relative, to simply make as if they don’t know me. I have to go to God, after all I did doo the 3rd Step Prayer, so I guess He’s got it all under control!
    I just kept walking to. “I was there to buy and pay for fuel”, so I thought, “not gonna mess this up, just because-just because!”

    But I really need to make an amend to this particular family member, it’s directly linked to the letter amend, the parent.

    I like the idea of the card system. Have heard it before on tape, but reading it makes it all look simpler.


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