https://12stepnationalmeetings.com/media/Step-9-Alcoholics-Anonymous.mp4
Hello are you doing when we stopped abruptly at step 8 because step 8 in Step 9 or so closely tied together. There’s really difficult to talk about one without talking about the other I’m kind of running in and out of both of them at the same time. So I’m going to read step 9 step 9 says Made direct amends to such people whenever possible.
Except when to do so would injure them or others. Now, this is the step of course where you really I suggest need a sponsor’s help. Of course all we through the steps. You should have a sponsors help some sponsor to help you through the steps, but this step in particular, you know, we have some real dangers when you’re about to make some direct amends to people whenever possible. Okay, and when it says direct amends to me, that means that you have to again do some Big Boys some big girls stuff.
You want to make direct amends to people for the things that you have done as I talked previously about my stepchild. I didn’t just write to him and say I’m sorry I went to where he was. I looked him straight in the face. I look dead in his eyes and I told him specifically the things that I had done the damage that may have occurred in his life and he could look dead at me and feel the reality of whether I was really sorry for what I had done and some people don’t care if you
oh, sorry. They want to know do you understand the extent of How Deeply you hurt them, you know, a lot of people come into recovery. And once they get in recovery about a month or two all of a sudden they think that their family should take them right back they come into recovery and they say, well I haven’t drank in two months. I haven’t done this in two months. I haven’t used drugs in too much and they still looking at me all crazy and looking at me all strange. They think everything is over because they stopped used. It’s not over simply because you stop doing what you were doing. You see they have this old saying people.
Don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Right? So you may know that you’ve done wrong and you may know these steps and you may know that you need need to make amends. You could be in treatment right now on this and your wife or your husband come. I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. I’m here. I’m sorry. I’m putting you through this. Well, yeah, you are side. That’s why would they want to say? Yeah you side. You’ve been sorry for a lot of years. That’s what they want to say. So they don’t want to hear you just say you sorry and you can learn some new steps. They don’t care how much you know until they
they know how much you care. They want to know that you feel the extent of the pain that you have caused them truth of the matter is we never will feel the entire pain, but we do have a responsibility to try to understand it. And so what they want us to do is just they want to know that we know that we heard them and I think that’s one of the reasons why I says Made direct amends to such people whenever possible made direct amends see a lot of people just want to
Call somebody or write a letter or something like that. But if you can it’s suggested you make direct amends. Now. Let me hasten to say that sometimes you can’t make direct amends. I can’t go into all of but sometimes for instance. You don’t want to go make direct amends to somebody that might kill you. Once you say it. There are some things you can’t make that recommends about because as soon as you go to do what they’re gonna lock you up now, I can’t let there have been people that had to do that.
There was some things that they had done and involved their conscience so much and and they had to actually suffer the consequences of what they had done the wreckage of their past are some things that we have done that as we go to make direct amends. We may have to suffer some consequences. I’m sorry to say that as I said, this is a big boy big girl program, but don’t hasten to do that right away. You knew in recovery and you going to run out of make amends make amends. Well see I what I found is I wanted to make amends.
Is all the time if I went over to somebody’s house and did something wrong. I was calling the next morning. I’m sorry. What did I do? I hope I didn’t hurt nobody. I’m sorry such as why did I do that? Did I care so much about that person as I look back on it know what I cared about was me. I wanted to soothe my conscience. I wanted to make myself feel better at the expense of making them feel worse. And sometimes when we go and make amends to people we’re not going for them. We’re not going for the higher power. We’re going because
Cuz we want to get it all off us like some husband that has committed a lot of head of fans and or some wife. Let’s not be biased has done all kinds of secret Affairs against their wife or their husband and they feel so guilty and they feel so bad and now they coming into recovery and they can’t take it they feel terrible and now they want to take all this dirty water and pour it onto their spouse.
That’s not fair. That’s not fair. Now. If it’s a reason for the sponsor says it’s better and it has to be done. You gotta work that out yourself with counselors and other people but if you’re doing it, simply because you feel bad with it all on your shoulders. And now you want to go make amends and put it on somebody else. This says we made it director means except
when to do so would injure them or others and when we take all of our guilt and go spill it on to somebody else we’re enjoying them and I think that’s the wisdom of this step. That’s some serious wisdom up in here up in here up in here and they say so serious wisdom up in here because you got people with my kind of personality that just go around feeling sad and feeling shame and feeling guilty and I’m going to get it on for me and I’m going to tell you how sorry I am. Yeah you side you really saw.
Because you want to take all your guilt and now you want to add on to somebody else and then if you had an affair you want to tell them that the exact nature of your fans in the details of the affair the book Big Book suggests. We don’t do that the big book suggests. We don’t do that and that’s why you need help. That’s why you need a sponsor you do this step. You make amends except when it’s going to injure them or others. Now, we don’t have all wisdom. We don’t always know when it’s going to injure them or others, but we can know
some things maybe we ought not say and that’s where you need guidance but making amends again. I want to say again is more than saying, I’m sorry. So many people have done so many things and they just want to get off by saying I’m sorry, if you stole money, you need to pay it back might even have to pay some of them back on anima SLI now if it’s so much money, you can’t bear that you can’t pay it back. Maybe you can make them in some other way. Maybe I don’t know help people in the rooms what you have freely received freely. Give
No become a loving person, you know be talk to you higher power higher power making some creative ideas. I don’t know but you need to do more than just say I’m sorry, some people even have the audacity to say if I hurt you. I’m sorry, if you feel that way. I’m sorry, you know, they put it all on the other person know, you know, you’ve done wrong you made a list of the people that you have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all now, this is the
action step you go out and directly make amends to them and I guess all of us who have been in treatment centers know that there are some people who will have since passed away and they had passed away. Maybe your mother maybe your father and you can’t directly make amends to them. But we have some symbolic ways some ritualistic ways that have been helpful to many people some people go out to the grave site. They may read a letter or something apology make amends that way and burn it. Some people may make amends.
Just by having somebody setting the seat to represent the person that has passed away and talk to the person in that seat. They are many ways of doing it. I suggest that if you have helped or counselor you talk to them about it, but even people who have passed away, it’s important that we make amends to them not for them. But for us we are knowledge in before the higher power what we need to do and then they are made they may have children and maybe some things that you can do in that way, but we need to make amends. This does not say
Make an apology. It says make amends except when to do so would injure them or others and that’s a very important exception. You don’t want to run around because you so spiritually fit that you make everybody else Miserable Now some things might pop up late on I later on and you afraid of that. I don’t know but you don’t want to make yourself healthy at the expense of making other people sick. Don’t enjoy other people make
The men’s when possible big boy stuff when it’s not possible write a letter when it’s not possible call on the phone when it’s not possible get on the internet. Now some things you do not want to say on the internet. Okay, but do it in the best way that you can but to step suggest that if we can we make direct amends. This will give you a lot of freedom.
This will give you a lot of freedom and it shows the seriousness and the earnestness that you have with your recovery process. Peace out.