You have a person who is drinking, drugging, pill-taking, smoking or — fill in the blank — in your life. The person is someone you care about and you clearly see that this compulsive or addictive behavior is hurting the person and affecting others — including you. Speak to the person when he or she is not intoxicated. In as calm a voice as you can manage, mention your concern. Speak about the person’s health and the way that you are affected by the person’s behavior. You can also say, “I love you and want you to be healthy and enjoy life.”
Educate yourself about substance abuse and addiction. It is a brain illness, in which the brain has been taught to crave the mood-changing substance, despite the person’s conscious wish to stop its use. Books, publications, online resources and community groups like Focus will help you learn more. Allow learning from natural consequences and permit the person to face the reality of his or her use. If health, legal, occupational or other problems result due to use of mood-altering chemicals, that person should take responsibility for these matters. This may mean paying fines, getting repairs for the OWI-damaged car, spending savings for an attorney or even going to jail.
Tell the alcoholic how his or her behavior affects you and that you want him or her to get help. However, don’t nag or threaten. That won’t help. Don’t issue ultimatums unless you really mean it. For instance, don’t say you’ll take the kids and leave unless you are really prepared to take the kids and leave if he or she doesn’t stop drinking. Be willing to support the alcoholic if he or she wants to get help. You can help him or her find local AA meetings. You can even attend a meeting with him or her, as long as it’s an open meeting. Don’t keep alcohol in the house for yourself if someone in your family is trying to stop drinking. Ask the alcoholic what else you can do to help. Be aware, though, that you can’t do everything for him or her. He or she has to be willing to do the work.
Don’t be an enabler. Don’t make excuses for the alcoholic or try to protect him or keep secrets for him. That means you should not call his boss and say he’s sick when he’s really too hung over to go to work. Make him call his boss himself.
Don’t give an alcoholic money if he or she is going to use it to buy alcohol. Don’t bail her out if she spends her paycheck on booze and then doesn’t have enough money to make her car payment. Obviously if you are married there are some expenses you will need to pay, like your mortgage, because you don’t want to lose your home. But if your spouse’s car gets repossessed because he or she spends the car payment on alcohol, let him or her deal with that. If your spouse is spending lots of money on alcohol, you might want to get a separate bank account that is just in your name to use to pay the bills.
Get help for yourself. Consider joining a self-help group like Al-Anon, which is a group for family members of alcoholics. The group will teach you ways to keep yourself sane while living with an alcoholic. It will encourage you to focus on things you can control, like your own behavior, instead of trying to control the alcoholic’s behavior, which you really can’t control. You might also want to see a counselor.
Consider whether you really want to live with an alcoholic. The answer to that question may depend on whether or not your spouse is willing to get help for his or her problem. But you do not have to remain in an unhealthy relationship . You can talk about your options at a self-help group like Al-Anon or you can see a counselor who can help you with your decisions.